S & M

No, I have not stayed in Delhi that long so as to have developed "offbeat preferences". Nor am I referring to Metallica.
In an introspective mood, I was merely pondering over the masochistic tendencies that smart, educated, intelligent, good looking women possess when it comes to men and relationships. It started with a general conversation a friend and I were having, about a "prospect". And then I recollected a dumb mistake that she made a couple years ago. Then it struck me how wrong I was in judging her. We have all made our dumb mistakes. Some time in our lives.

All our dumb mistakes seem to have one or more of the following in common - they are charming, great conversationalists, make us think they have killer smiles, are "interesting" to be around and have a pretty nice social circle. In other words, they may not be really different from the guy we are with right now or the "normal, nice guy" we seek. Yes, it is a scary thought. What if the guy we are with know goes down in the "Hall of Fame of our Dumb Mistakes"? or What if they dream guy we meet happens to be another dumb mistake? The funny thing is, none of us spare ourselves. I know I didn't. Neither did Rachel Green from FRIENDS. Even power women, politicians, heads of $100mn companies, sportswomen, et al., have not spared themselves.

What is it then, about is, that makes us enjoy the fact that we let men treat us like a pile of decomposing garbage? Do we need relationships so much that anything goes? Do we like hurting ourselves? Does it make us look heroic to reflect and realize that we have been through horrible times with "a man we really loved", even if we ourselves were responsible for tolerating that treatment?
Himani, 23, is one among the most no-nonsense, sharp and careful women I have known. While recounting one horrible phase she put herself through about a year ago, she stops, looks at me and says "How could I do something like that". Or as incredibly talented, outgoing and friendly Swati, 26, says "I never knew he would be like that". No darling. You never knew, but we all did. So what makes us open our eyes a little too late? It does give me hope to realize that we take off our rose-tinted designer eyewear at some point of time, but when do we know its the time to do so? Ironically, it's not just the "ex"-men we allow to make us feel bad. Marie, 25, happily married to the man she could never visualize her life without, still recalls the early days of matrimony when after a certain incident, she confronted her husband and got a prompt reply "You always knew I was like this, so why do you have a problem now?" Luckily, it was a relatively harmless cause of trouble, and it is now behind them, but these things do temporarily hamper your confidence levels in a lifelong commitment.

I'm definitely not including minor spats or even major disagreements in mutually beneficial relationships in this subject matter. Difference of opinion is definitely a necessity these days, with so much happening around us. Two people in a relationship would better benefit if they took in all they could about the world around them, and share that knowledge with each other, rather than just confining themselves to just that person and get time-warped somewhere down the line. But there is a point where repeated below-the-belt attacks become completely unnecessary. Or even repeated ignorance about discussed issues become commonplace. Then, it doesn't become something you can blame your partner for. Increasing elasticity in acceptance levels regarding the what or how much we tolerate becomes completely our onus.

From personal experience I remember the number of times I myself have used the sentence "Why do you do this to me?" or a more pathetic variation: " Why do you treat me like this?" The answer is simple. Because I let him. Exactly. Why do I let him?
Sometimes we're scared. That there may not be "anyone else". Maybe we are just too lazy, to move on. Maybe we don't like ourselves enough where we are ok with "just myself" our lives. Maybe we feel, that it may be "worth putting up with everything if it works out in the long run". Or the worst, maybe we feel we may have done something to deserve it. So considering all that, isn't what we are doing to ourselves much worse? We claim that no one can know us better than we know ourselves. If that is the case, why are we ok with relinquishing control and letting ourselves go.

During heated arguements, when I tend to let get sucked-into a quicksand of self-pity, my significant other advises "stop portraying yourself as a victim". Sometimes, the harsh truth of the statement hits me like cold water. We would think of yourself as a victim only if something happens to us. And in relationships, whatever happens , happens only if we let it. We may be someone who seems to have it all, so lets make sure we are actually that way.

Looking back, when I think of my "dumb mistakes", the dumber thing would be is to let it happen again. I may take it as a lesson learned, I may take it as a waring, or I may treat it as a well-decomposed skeleton in a hidden secret closet. But I wont regret it. That would be backtracking all over again. What the heck, at least he was great looking!!!! It is said that all great wisdom can be found on T-Shirts, so as one goes "While you are out there looking for the right man, have fun with the wrong ones"

Amen!!!!!!!!

(P.S. It may be obvious, but to reiterate, all names have been changed)